YAY!!! My first blog post! I’ve been wanting to start a blog for a long time, but it’s just one of those things that I’ve kinda put on the back burner while I’ve allowed life to consume me! But this weekend I really opened my heart to allow God to begin a work in me I should have allowed him to do a long time ago!
It was a long weekend for me! I had a very sick kiddo which required me to cancel my entire day of appointments on Saturday! We also were forced to stay home from church on Sunday, so I felt out of touch with the world. A relationship that meant a lot to me just kinda ended without a whole lot of notice, so the few people that I communicated with daily was just non-existent. I started to throw a lil pity party for myself. I began to have all these negative thoughts about my life and my circumstances. But Sunday morning, when I was so disappointed about not being able to be with my church family and to be fed, I decided that I would live stream! My friend Emily was speaking at church, and I knew that she would make me laugh and definitely bring life to my dull soul.
What she spoke about was not anything I hadn’t heard before. She did however bring a fresh perspective to something that was so easily forgotten in the trials of life. My heart was open to hear it in a way I never had before! I was all alone in my living room while my sicko kid was morphed in front of Netflix. There was no one around to see me cry. It was just me and the Lord, and I was totally vulnerable to hear in the way He needed me to hear Him.
I went through a pretty tough season of life about 2 years ago. I can’t even believe I’m saying it’s been 2 years. My life seemed like it was just being turned upside down, and I thought that it was the worst thing that could ever happen. My husband had left me, and I had never felt so abandoned in my life. Even though I knew it was probably the best thing for my family, I was entering into a season of aloneness with 3 kids. I was devastated, and I didn’t know where to turn. I fell into a deep depression, and I kinda distanced myself from the rest of the world. I knew I should turn to God, but it took me a couple months to get over myself, and out of my poor poor pitiful me mindset. Once I released it all to God, truly released it, I found so much freedom. I’m sure you’ll hear more of this journey in future blogs! 🙂
So here I am again. Feeling alone, kind of abandoned, because the person I just spent 5 months getting to know and falling in love with isn’t there to text me good morning. Isn’t there to be that one person I can count on to make me feel loved. My first instinct was to just have pity for myself. To start questioning what is wrong with me. To think that a normal way to mourn is to distance myself, cry, whine, question, and just be mad at life. Because how can I look as strong as everyone says I am if they see the pain. How can they think I have it all together if I show emotion. This was a great relationship. We had fun, we laughed, and we created a lot of memories I will never forget. He taught me what a gentleman was and how I deserve to be treated. He has a heart of gold, and he is an amazing father. Not much to complain about. But there were little things along the way that we both knew would make a life together very hard. Joining families together is a whole new ball game, and we were both hesitant about that. I was devastated in the weirdest kind of way. I wasn’t mad, and I can’t even say anything bad about him to make this easier. I just was alone, and sometimes running to God doesn’t always feel like the route I want to go. Sometimes I just want to eat cupcakes and dwell in my own pity by getting lost in Netflix. I just want to forget, instead of facing it head on. Come on, you know I’m not alone. Giving time to God takes away my time to fulfill my own selfish desires. And as a single mom with 2 jobs, time is not on my side.
Ok, so here I am again. Can you tell I trail a lot? But I feel like it’s setting you up to see just how amazing our Daddy is. So I’m thinkin…ya ya, Emily is gonna hit this outta the park. She always does! She makes you laugh in the realest kind of way while speaking such truth!! Little did I know, I think God set me up. I know my value, I know God loves me, I know he works all things out for my good. I know this. I try so had to walk in these truths. But it’s hard sometimes. The enemy has a way of convincing us of letting our emotions cover up the truth God has spoken about our lives. We are Sons. Right? I’m sure you knew this. I did. But I’m not sure I’ve really searched out what that TRULY means for my life and how to walk it out. Emily brought up the passage in Luke 8, when Jesus falls asleep on the boat with his disciples in the midst of a storm. In this moment, God was using real life circumstances to create sons. Sons that don’t need to call or text and ask God what to do when crisis hits. Sons that have confidence that they will do what God has taught them. So every time something happens in my life, and I come crying to God, I wonder if he would love to roll his eyes and say, “Come on Crystal, have we not been here before. Your whining is getting old.” I know he doesn’t think this way, He has sufficient patience and Grace for me, but it would be fair for him to think this.
I’ve never thought of my past as a way of bringing me into sonship! I never thought my trials and what the world sees as failures, would be my road to the greatest relationship there is. I know my trials have brought me closer to God, but when I thought about how being a Son of God should direct my life, my whole outlook on my current circumstance needed to change. I got on my knees and just started thanking God. Thanking Him for things I kinda felt I shouldn’t be thankful for. But His truths that He spoke to me about me almost 1.5 years ago just started flowing through my mind. Truths I had kinda forgot. Promises I compromised on because I was content in my life. I was happy, and enjoying life. I remember saying to people that my current relationship was going great, but if God called me out of it, I’d totally be ok, because I trusted God’s way over my own. But my reality didn’t feel peace and security in God when I lost that relationship. I just felt abandoned. I felt alone, like I had wasted the last half year of my life. But O God, here to remind me, about all these things we so painfully worked through not that long ago. His promises to me, His truths about me. They were all coming back so clearly now. Promises that I felt I didn’t necessarily need, as long as I was happy. It’s like God saying he will give us a mansion, and us replying with I just need a home that fits my family. To me a home is great, but why, when He wants to spoil us with a mansion, would we not take the mansion?
The peace that began to take over my body was unreal. I began to laugh, and smile. In that moment, the pain of losing that loved one, made me feel so much love from my Father. That he would remove me from something good, to take me into something GREAT! And I believe God has the same thing in store for him. I believe God is preparing a woman who will suit him and fulfill his needs even better than I thought I could.
This was the greatest Love story.
The Love a Daddy has for his beloved daughter.
The Love a Daddy has for his deserving son.
Love put into action.
A life of trials to bring us into sonship and to give us a ridiculous faith in not only God the Father, but in ourselves.
I will miss Cory and his goofy boys. I will be thankful for the adventures and fun they brought to our lives. But I am thankful for the opportunity and learning lesson from God in this situation. This opened my eyes to a much bigger picture of my God that I feel I haven’t even peeled back the first layer of. It’s time to start getting outside myself, and walking as a Son of God!!
This was a long post. Thanks for sticking with me! There will be more blogs to come on seeking out God’s truths in our lives. Maybe some of you are wondering how God reveals these to us, and it’s so simple. I promise, not all my blogs will be a book! I’m just excited to share my life with you and pray God uses these words in some way to bring you closer to Him!!!